i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize