just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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