someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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