True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
