And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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