Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize