Will you blow on my dice?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
