VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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