I'm drive I can fine osifer
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize