just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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