I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
