dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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