My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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