I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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