i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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