it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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