she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We're too hungover to prance.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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