found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I need to calm my uterus...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
