i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
