The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize