he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
