I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
we're so committed to being not committed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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