I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
