a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
