She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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