OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
