gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
the liver wants what the liver wants
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
