Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
