I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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