She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
