Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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