You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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