i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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