i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
