dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hippo gnu deer
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize