so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
