What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize