history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
