Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
