omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
