Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
