My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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