Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
