Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
