I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Randomize
