why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
