speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
