I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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