Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
