I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
