I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
