If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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