I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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