Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
