Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
