Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
