remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
