OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
