I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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