We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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