Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
