I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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