just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
where are my eyebrows?
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