i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
