ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
