Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
