hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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