seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize